i am ashamed!

yep, been reading my posts on ma stupidity with ma ex and im hitting ma head against the wall. okay, where was i? the lil piece of work that wanted him in the agency.....she passed....all she got from him was a night of "quarving"....who cares?
then there was....hmmm, i forget....okay there were a lot of girlies....some of them were my friends, some weren't. the problem was that he didnt realise he was hurting me....i mean why would you hurt me and then gist me about it? im your best friend....yada yada yada....i love that phrase....
anyway, i had enough after a while the cup ran over......i did a whole week without seeing him or hearing from him and i decided that we were through. why would i be your girl and i dont get a call, dont see you and you are not six feet under?
on the last day of my exams after i had written them and waited for that call i decided to send him a text....in my usual manner i asked if he had been involved in an accident, broken all his bones or was just simply dead.....oh, he called me then....but it was too late.
i didn't want him anymore.......and i told him that much.
he was hurt and then stupefied and then angry, those emotions came in quick succesion ...lol
after a while he got nasty and i just ignored him. having the mind that i had passed a message across i started to ignore him.
i was so angry....that was when i realised that i had never forgiven him for (tecnically) cheating....or untechnically....i dont care.....before if i wanted to talk about the way he hurt me i could never put it in humourous terms, now it seems so funny...i dont know what to say.....
anyway, we broke up technically...lol
then comes the phone call from his close friend that he was trying to commit suicide....i had always known this guy was dysfunctional but this took the cake......i carried my soft, touched and depressed self to tell him i love him and he shouldn't do anything stupid....
yep, we got back together...to the chagrin of my friends.....lol
i still remember R's voice as i was being scolded....you are confused! you don't know know wat u want.....A continued....yada yada yada, on and on we went...i cried, we shouted, we disturbed the whole hall, we had to close the door....it was crappy..but i didn't want anyone dying on ma neck....would have been ugly....
we got back but it wasn't the same....i never told him and i agree i should have....but i didnt feel the same anymore...i had been dodging those ever blazing kisses that used to cloud my senses....so i could think straight.....with no fog, i could see clearrrrrrrly, it wasnt working......
how would i break it to him?
he helped me along o, trust him, he couldn't stay still for long............
at A's bday parry, we had all been lazing around when he arrived.....he didn't sit up to 5 minutes when he decided to walk some chick who according to him he was meeting for the first time and who according to her....hmmm, well she claimed they had met before.......
walking took my boyfriendbestfriend almost an hour......that was the last straw!!!!
before he came back all my friends had noticed that he was gone and they had all known who he left with...je ko make sense.....an hour!!!!!
i was seeing red by the time he got back....all my friends hammered him with indignation when he came back....all i did was ignore him.....
he came to me begging ang i asked him to excuse me....im talking to someone.....isho number one!
he got mad...imagine that......what the""££$$@ is this? what the "££"""!£"£$^%^&**&(_) and more and more profanities, i walked away leaving the celebrant to handle him.......
didn't think she did that well sha...cos he seemed to be getting away with his acting...lol
she was actually scared......
when i had had enough i came outside to shut him up......at the end of the day, he begged...i forgave only because the next day was his bday......cant hurt a guy like dat now....
but we were through, i had had enuffffff! i was tired............
that night i spoke with my girlfriends at the slumber party we had and we were all in agreement....he had to go!!
but that night, he called at midnight and did the sweetest thing...he prayed for all 3 of us....we had been hating on him and he prayed and said such sweet things about our friendship and me most expecially......ma friends were having a change of heart but in my heart i was just sad......i wish u were different honey, we'd have gone so far together............
about a week later i broke it off...........i didnt mean to,it just happened....he was watching me wash the plates in my momma's kitchen and the question came up.....what's happening to us?
i didn't want to lie so i gave it to him....the truth
i talked about how my self esteem had been battered all through dating him and seeing him flirt with slimmer girls............i told him i had the problem cos i couldnt seem to forgive..........and i told him goodbye..........he was shocked.....i didnt let him talk....he left my house with these words...i am sorry if i lowered your sense of self worth and if dating me was painful, im sorry but girl,u added value to my life.....with that he ran from my house...i mean ran!
i thought that was easy, cried just a few tears and forgot about it for the rest of the day......
the next day in church, broda comes and sits in anticipation to complicate my life.....leave me the hell alone....i wanted to scream....i am weak....leave me alone!!!!
but i was surprisingly calm............we talked and i was assertive, he cried, we hugged, we cried some more.......it was over....i wasn't budging.....i didnt want to be feeding on the same ol' shit i'd been getting...i deserved better....even if he wsn't a TDH, as far as he could love me and only me....i just didnt want to share anymore......i almost....almost bent....nobody knows how close i was to bending...it took all my inner strenght to walk away...........i asked for a final hug....and he hummed a song that made a lot of sense

he works hard to give her what he thinks she wants....
she's upset cos nothing's for her heart......
yada yada yada (sniffle sniffle)
buy me a rose...call me from work
open the door for me..
what would it hurt?
show me you love me by the look in your eyes....
these are the lil things i need the most in my life....

he finally got the picture....a couple of days late......bawl bawl bawl.....
i hd to struggle out of the hug....i didnt see him walk away...i was crying too hard.....
now everybody.....his friend has called me that he's missing.......a ploy to get me back?

mehn, i don't know.............viva!